What do you want to bring to this day?

I want to bring a sense of stillness, calm, and groundedness. I want this past weekend’s retreat to be a touchstone for moving forward and “conjuring grace in moments of distress.”

xo

Open Letters to Self: Entry 1

Love,

Feel whatever it is that you are feeling. Nurse yourself however long you need to nurse yourself. Keep re-membering, and remember that while you are doing this that you are doing great! *smiles*. You truly are. You don’t always see it, you don’t always overtly claim it but somewhere inside, you know it. You joked this morning that even at your most fragile, you are able to do amazing things. That’s true and it’s honest. However, that’s also a slippery slope of a place to be. Don’t get too comfortable being able to do things from that place. I know that’s not your intent. I know that’s not what you meant. Just keep going!

You’ve recovered so much strength during #BlackAugust. You’ve revived so much in you. You are insightful enough to identify when you’ve been harping on a particular set of emotions for too long. You then make small, progressive steps to change that. You see how it shows up in your body. You see how tired it can make you, how it can freeze you. No *freezing* for you! You have a long list of amazing things you need to get to, and while rest is a part of it, rest has its time. Movement has its time. Learning has its time. Teaching has its time. Doing has its time. Chapters are opening and closing all around you. You don’t always know if you’re keeping up, but you are. And remember, this is still your self writing to you, so I know – we know – Spirit knows. There is a community of energies supporting you. Continue to channel. Continue to love deeply (I don’t care how many vulturistic situations you encounter, never stop doing this! That is and will always be one of your greatest strengths). Share more. Control your Hermit.

I know its difficult to go through these changes in front of me others. They notice things about you they hadn’t before, sure, but I promise you they are not thinking about it as hard as you think they are. They really are not. It’s part of the reason your Hermit is so resonant – protection – but even the Hermit needs to rest (a part from you).

We thought we’d discuss ‘boundaries’ today but let’s save it for another post.

That is all for now.

With love,
You

Re-fueling Love and Re-fueling Light

Friends for 25 years: coming home means re-membering ❤

Never underestimate the power of a re-charge. Never underestimate how affection from a sincere loved one can literally resurrect you. Now that I’m back, I’ve had some time to rest, think, and channel. Most of the recharge though has been effortless. It’s been healing just to wake up to my mom making breakfast, to wake up and look out of my dusty ass blinds, to come home and hear my nephews scream “Auntttiiieeee!!!!” and then rush to hug me! It is so healing to crack jokes with my dad even though he doesn’t say much. He’ll stand at my doorway – not quite sure if I want to be bothered, then I’ll ask him “do you need a hug?” and run up to give him one! (Because he’s not going to say that’s what he wants).

I’ve only been home for a week but it feels longer. I’ve seen my Nana twice already. I’ve seen my cousin, who is defending his life, in the hospital. I’m very rarely in positions where I’m frozen but I was. I know I’ll be back up there, it’s just so odd to see someone you’re close to in this vulnerable space. Someone who you last remember being lively and laughing – even if in dark humor – being hooked up to machines and tubes, trying to talk but struggling to form words, to make sounds. So we stare. 

I saw my Caribbean aunt – she cussed me out for not being more present, not telling her and my other aunts that I was gone. She asked when would I stop traveling and don’t I want to be married and have kids. She asked me to speak to her congregation, I laughed out loud and asked why. She joked that I’d probably get the same question she gets, “are you Latin??” Her church is largely Mexican (of the non-Black orientation). This thought moved her to tell me a story about an African-American woman she was on the phone with who she eventually had to meet in person. When they finally met the lady stated in relief, “I’m glad you’re here, I was having some problems with this Latin woman.” She responded, “I am the Latin woman.” lmao – tooooo funny! Being nearly 70, she still gets the same shit from both sides. When all the kisses and hugs were over, auntie called her sisters on the cell so they could cuss me out too….’tis the Caribbean way. One auntie called me “heffa,” the other one, “mi’ja.” I know both words were couched in love. 

I’m back and it feels good. I don’t miss Michigan white people. In general, they are racist as shit but it’s home. My Portuguese class begins this evening. I already have a traffic violation ticket. Gotta take the good with the bad. Granted, the bad is so anxiety-inducing, but the good is so fuckin’ sweet.

❤